My boyfriend and I DID break up, but it's really okay. I was going to do it, right? Well, he ended up breaking up with me instead of the other way around. It worked out. :]
And the suspicion I had about the feelings for my ex? Well.. it was bizarre. There have been a couple days where we just hung out and his girlfriend wasn't around, and I didn't feel anything beyond friendship in those times.. but with the times when she was around, it was just like when I had feelings for him. It was upsetting because I didn't know WHY it was only at those times.
It's not jelousy.. they are both my friends, and really good ones at that. They are seriously a good couple, and I am very happy for them.
So, what was it then? I think it was just a bad case of empathy. I've always been empathetic towards people, so I think I was getting vibes off of the two of them, and getting them confused with what I was feeling.
x__x I need to do some grounding techniques so this doesn't happen again. I don't want to be an emotional sponge!
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Brigid
So, I'm drawing inspiration from Tori Amos by researching beings in mythology and seeing how they connect with different characters of mine.
At first, I thought my character Mel was kind of attributed to Apollo (despite the gender difference), then I saw bits of similarities with her and Apollo's sister Artemis.
Of course, I also attributed Mel to Persephone at first. You see, Mel was raped when she was 18, an event that's kinda stuck with her for a long time, and she didn't really get around to dealing with it until she fell in love with someone, who (years and years later, like almost ten years later) turns out to be her husband. She isn't like how she used to be, which is a good thing, but it is also the reason why I don't assosiate her with Persephone. Maybe I would with the Mel of the past, but currently, she's different.
I decided to step out of Greek mythology and I looked into Ireland, and dabbled a bit... suddenly, I discovered Brigid. After reading a description of her and what she stands for, I looked up a bit more on her, and found that this particular being seems to be what Mel channels these days.
Now, there is a weird parallel thing going on with Mel and I... everytime something big happens in her life, it seems to go along with whatever is going on in my life, in a weird way. There are major differences though... I was never raped, nor married, nor am I currently carrying a child.
Emotionally though, there are parallels. With Mel's experience of being vicitmized, I was also going through some tough issues that were traumatic.. once such event was sexual harassment, but the big thing is dealing with how messed up I am due to my middle school years. I was going through dark stuff, and so was Mel.
Eventually, she started to heal, and she fell in love, and at this time, I was in a relationship.. my first real one. Funnily enough, her husband is that particular person's character, though we broke up in 2005. We are still very excellent friends though. But anyway, Mel was in love, and yet terrified because even at that time, she was dealing with the rape. She had put it off for years. However, with the help of her significant other, she started crawling forward, and eventually walking.
These days, it's a full sprint. I am happy with life and I am taking charge and resposibility for what's happened to me in the past as well as preparing for my future. In this story, Mel is expecting her first child which is due in November, and this kid is practically the final stepping stone from victimhood to being a survivor. It's helping her realize that there are bigger things in this world and that she's allowed to explore them, and she's allowed to be normal and happy again. She doesn't need to be ashamed.
Now, I've delt with shame as well. I've been ashamed to have sexual feelings because it was making me feel like a whore (despite the fact that I haven't really done something completely sexual with another person before... it's that WANT to do something that sometimes makes me feel ashamed), and I don't quite know why I feel this way.. I can't use the harassment as a scapegoat because that is an almost different experience than what I'm feeling... it wasn't a shaming experience. It was just more like "Oh fuck, I am terrified of this guy."
He never made me feel ashamed, so why feel like this? Hm.
Along with that, which is only sometimes, I am often incredibly ashamed of myself when I can't really... do anything in school. I become sort of paralyzed, and I think that it's sort of like traumatic stress... I had that from the harassment, but I've gotten over that. The thing is, I endured three years of grief for my sister along side emotional abuse from my teachers in the midst of that mourning, and now there is a gap between me, the student, and them.. the teachers. When they call me to their desk, I get terrified. When progress reports come out, I feel a panic attack forming.
When I miss assignments, I feel like a failure. That's basically what they, the middle school teachers, called me.. not in exact words, but they would keep shoving those Fs in my face while telling me that I shouldn't blame it on being in grief.
I was aged eleven-fourteen.
Now, I am getting closer to the age in which my sister had died at, but I know WHY I respond to school the way I do, and so now I can make the attempt to recover. I'm not going to be a fucking victim anymore, and neither is Mel.
Drew, the rapist, kept entering her life now and then after her first encounter with him.. the very first time that he came back was nine years after the first experience, and he attacked a girl, then kept coming after her and Mel.. he was finally kinda defeated. That was in 1998. Throughout 2004-2006, there were occurences.. the biggest one was when Mel was attacked by him and she had to fight for her life. He was torturing her throughout the night with beatings, stabbings, and taunting.. I wouldn't be suprised if he talked about raping her again (he seems like the type to describe what he would do in great detail to fuck with her mind), or at least attempted, but that part of the story is still sketchy. Drew isn't my character, so I need to talk with the friend whom he belongs to. :B
She managed to make it out alive, though, but it left her in a numb state for a while, and she was in a great deal of pain (obviously).
So, thanks to Drew, Mel has PTSD from everything.. that is what brings her back to those dark moments.. triggers and the like. However, she is making it out of the trauma even more now because she is not just living for herself-she's living for another life, and that is what is most important now. It's like the kid is really healing her.
Hm.. I wonder if they'd name her (the child) Hope.
Anyway... she's gone through a lot more than I have, but emotionally... we are connected at different points. The eerie thing is that each time I thought of these ideas to add to her back story, they matched what I was going through.. it wasn't intentional, but it works?
Uh, tl;dr... I'll end this for now.
At first, I thought my character Mel was kind of attributed to Apollo (despite the gender difference), then I saw bits of similarities with her and Apollo's sister Artemis.
Of course, I also attributed Mel to Persephone at first. You see, Mel was raped when she was 18, an event that's kinda stuck with her for a long time, and she didn't really get around to dealing with it until she fell in love with someone, who (years and years later, like almost ten years later) turns out to be her husband. She isn't like how she used to be, which is a good thing, but it is also the reason why I don't assosiate her with Persephone. Maybe I would with the Mel of the past, but currently, she's different.
I decided to step out of Greek mythology and I looked into Ireland, and dabbled a bit... suddenly, I discovered Brigid. After reading a description of her and what she stands for, I looked up a bit more on her, and found that this particular being seems to be what Mel channels these days.
Now, there is a weird parallel thing going on with Mel and I... everytime something big happens in her life, it seems to go along with whatever is going on in my life, in a weird way. There are major differences though... I was never raped, nor married, nor am I currently carrying a child.
Emotionally though, there are parallels. With Mel's experience of being vicitmized, I was also going through some tough issues that were traumatic.. once such event was sexual harassment, but the big thing is dealing with how messed up I am due to my middle school years. I was going through dark stuff, and so was Mel.
Eventually, she started to heal, and she fell in love, and at this time, I was in a relationship.. my first real one. Funnily enough, her husband is that particular person's character, though we broke up in 2005. We are still very excellent friends though. But anyway, Mel was in love, and yet terrified because even at that time, she was dealing with the rape. She had put it off for years. However, with the help of her significant other, she started crawling forward, and eventually walking.
These days, it's a full sprint. I am happy with life and I am taking charge and resposibility for what's happened to me in the past as well as preparing for my future. In this story, Mel is expecting her first child which is due in November, and this kid is practically the final stepping stone from victimhood to being a survivor. It's helping her realize that there are bigger things in this world and that she's allowed to explore them, and she's allowed to be normal and happy again. She doesn't need to be ashamed.
Now, I've delt with shame as well. I've been ashamed to have sexual feelings because it was making me feel like a whore (despite the fact that I haven't really done something completely sexual with another person before... it's that WANT to do something that sometimes makes me feel ashamed), and I don't quite know why I feel this way.. I can't use the harassment as a scapegoat because that is an almost different experience than what I'm feeling... it wasn't a shaming experience. It was just more like "Oh fuck, I am terrified of this guy."
He never made me feel ashamed, so why feel like this? Hm.
Along with that, which is only sometimes, I am often incredibly ashamed of myself when I can't really... do anything in school. I become sort of paralyzed, and I think that it's sort of like traumatic stress... I had that from the harassment, but I've gotten over that. The thing is, I endured three years of grief for my sister along side emotional abuse from my teachers in the midst of that mourning, and now there is a gap between me, the student, and them.. the teachers. When they call me to their desk, I get terrified. When progress reports come out, I feel a panic attack forming.
When I miss assignments, I feel like a failure. That's basically what they, the middle school teachers, called me.. not in exact words, but they would keep shoving those Fs in my face while telling me that I shouldn't blame it on being in grief.
I was aged eleven-fourteen.
Now, I am getting closer to the age in which my sister had died at, but I know WHY I respond to school the way I do, and so now I can make the attempt to recover. I'm not going to be a fucking victim anymore, and neither is Mel.
Drew, the rapist, kept entering her life now and then after her first encounter with him.. the very first time that he came back was nine years after the first experience, and he attacked a girl, then kept coming after her and Mel.. he was finally kinda defeated. That was in 1998. Throughout 2004-2006, there were occurences.. the biggest one was when Mel was attacked by him and she had to fight for her life. He was torturing her throughout the night with beatings, stabbings, and taunting.. I wouldn't be suprised if he talked about raping her again (he seems like the type to describe what he would do in great detail to fuck with her mind), or at least attempted, but that part of the story is still sketchy. Drew isn't my character, so I need to talk with the friend whom he belongs to. :B
She managed to make it out alive, though, but it left her in a numb state for a while, and she was in a great deal of pain (obviously).
So, thanks to Drew, Mel has PTSD from everything.. that is what brings her back to those dark moments.. triggers and the like. However, she is making it out of the trauma even more now because she is not just living for herself-she's living for another life, and that is what is most important now. It's like the kid is really healing her.
Hm.. I wonder if they'd name her (the child) Hope.
Anyway... she's gone through a lot more than I have, but emotionally... we are connected at different points. The eerie thing is that each time I thought of these ideas to add to her back story, they matched what I was going through.. it wasn't intentional, but it works?
Uh, tl;dr... I'll end this for now.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Hmmm.
IS IT CAN BE LONG STORY TIEM?
A long time ago, I was in a relationship with someone. We were together for just a few months, and we broke up. I thought "I should be over this soon" even though I got a little miffed that he was with someone else within days of us breaking up. And I moved on... apparently. I went into a new relationship a couple months after the other one ended, and that was going swimmingly until my feelings changed, and I found myself wishing that I was with my ex (who was still with the girl who we got together with after we broke up). Eventually, my boyfriend at the time and I broke up and well... I thought the feelings I had for my first ex would just go away. BUT OH NOOOO. They didn't.
They got to the point where I felt like I was in love with him, and it huuuuurt so badly. This carried on for months, and then I realized a good friend of mine had a crush on him. Erm, well... him and his girlfriend broke up when they were together for almost a year, and this guy... confuses me because he had asked out my friend. And at the same time, he had moved to a different town so it was really sucky. =_= Although it felt like that sometime in that period, I finally got over him.
And I'm in my own relationship, whereas he's been with my friend for over 7 months. :3 And truely, I am happy for them. They make such a cute couple, and yet my own relationship is getting weird.
I think we rushed into a relationship too soon, and I want to break up with him. ~_~ And lately, the feelings for my ex have been flaring again. WHAT THE FUCK. Seriously, what is wrong with me? DX We aren't getting back together, and we have such a great friendship, and I don't understand why I keep getting feelings for him!
I suspect it's because I want that emotional closeness that we have, but in a relationship. I don't have that with my current boyfriend, and yet I have gone farther with him physically than I have with my past two boyfriends. I don't want to go farther with him. >_< I would be willing to if we were together for longer than two months, or if I felt that close with him on an emotional level, but we didn't establish a solid foundation by being friends for a while beforehand. We were friends for weeks prior to getting into a relationship.
Grasfhskfhsdkfdslf.
I think the ex feelings that have RESPAWNED definately came mostly from this dream that just came out of nowhere. It took place at my grandparent's old house, weirdly enough, and we were sitting on this couch when out of nowhere he kissed me, which proceeded into more kissing and me stopping for a moment saying "We're cheating on our partners" (or something to that extent), but we didn't stop. Nothing weird happened (well, that in itself is weird enough for me), but GOD. WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
-hits head against wall-
A long time ago, I was in a relationship with someone. We were together for just a few months, and we broke up. I thought "I should be over this soon" even though I got a little miffed that he was with someone else within days of us breaking up. And I moved on... apparently. I went into a new relationship a couple months after the other one ended, and that was going swimmingly until my feelings changed, and I found myself wishing that I was with my ex (who was still with the girl who we got together with after we broke up). Eventually, my boyfriend at the time and I broke up and well... I thought the feelings I had for my first ex would just go away. BUT OH NOOOO. They didn't.
They got to the point where I felt like I was in love with him, and it huuuuurt so badly. This carried on for months, and then I realized a good friend of mine had a crush on him. Erm, well... him and his girlfriend broke up when they were together for almost a year, and this guy... confuses me because he had asked out my friend. And at the same time, he had moved to a different town so it was really sucky. =_= Although it felt like that sometime in that period, I finally got over him.
And I'm in my own relationship, whereas he's been with my friend for over 7 months. :3 And truely, I am happy for them. They make such a cute couple, and yet my own relationship is getting weird.
I think we rushed into a relationship too soon, and I want to break up with him. ~_~ And lately, the feelings for my ex have been flaring again. WHAT THE FUCK. Seriously, what is wrong with me? DX We aren't getting back together, and we have such a great friendship, and I don't understand why I keep getting feelings for him!
I suspect it's because I want that emotional closeness that we have, but in a relationship. I don't have that with my current boyfriend, and yet I have gone farther with him physically than I have with my past two boyfriends. I don't want to go farther with him. >_< I would be willing to if we were together for longer than two months, or if I felt that close with him on an emotional level, but we didn't establish a solid foundation by being friends for a while beforehand. We were friends for weeks prior to getting into a relationship.
Grasfhskfhsdkfdslf.
I think the ex feelings that have RESPAWNED definately came mostly from this dream that just came out of nowhere. It took place at my grandparent's old house, weirdly enough, and we were sitting on this couch when out of nowhere he kissed me, which proceeded into more kissing and me stopping for a moment saying "We're cheating on our partners" (or something to that extent), but we didn't stop. Nothing weird happened (well, that in itself is weird enough for me), but GOD. WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
-hits head against wall-
Sunday, July 1, 2007
What?
So, my boyfriend and I.
Before we were even together, we were talking about how we wouldn't have sex with a significant other unless we were in love with them. It's cool how we have that same point of view.
Well, last time I was over at his house, things were getting a little heavy. We didn't do anything sexual, but it did make me realize I need to prepare in case something like that did happen. So, I sent a message to one of my friends on Myspace that next time we saw each other if he can bring me a condom. Our conversation on MSN not too long after I sent that message went something like this (I'm Clyde)
What do you know that i dont already know says:
WHAT THE HELL BECKA
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
Um
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
You got my message on Myspace?
What do you know that i dont already know says:
NO shit
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
I SWEAR TO GOD NATE
I wouldn't lie
We DID NOT do anything sexual, but things were getting intense
What do you know that i dont already know says:
OKill give you one
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
Alright. x__X
I figured you would have an interesting reaction. XDD;;
What do you know that i dont already know says:
...<.o
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
XD Yeeeeah
I was really nervous when I typed that message, but yeah >> I wouldn't do anything sexual unless I was really prepared
What do you know that i dont already know says:
ok... im not happy with you
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
Why? D:
What do you know that i dont already know says:
I wonder
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
Hey, at least I am being honest with you. ~_~
And I'm not doing anything like that yet
And if I was, at least I would want to use protection
I'M BEING RESPONSIBLE! D:
What do you know that i dont already know says:
ANd stupid
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
How am I being stupid?
What do you know that i dont already know says:
I woonder
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
I know that I'm wondering. DX
Would you rather I DIDN'T use any form of protection?
What do you know that i dont already know says:
I would rather you dident have SEX
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
Okay, just because I would have a condom doesn't mean I would go and use it right away.
We probably aren't going to have sex for a loooong while. It's just IN CASE if something like that were to happen.
What do you know that i dont already know says:
ok
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
I can promise you that
At first I was getting pissed off, like.. "Why is he being so weird about this?" but then I guess... he's protective? Maybe he doesn't want my heart to get all smashed up. ~.~ But I can't be too upset that he wasn't happy. I was being honest and trying to be responsible. I can't be upset about THAT.
Before we were even together, we were talking about how we wouldn't have sex with a significant other unless we were in love with them. It's cool how we have that same point of view.
Well, last time I was over at his house, things were getting a little heavy. We didn't do anything sexual, but it did make me realize I need to prepare in case something like that did happen. So, I sent a message to one of my friends on Myspace that next time we saw each other if he can bring me a condom. Our conversation on MSN not too long after I sent that message went something like this (I'm Clyde)
What do you know that i dont already know says:
WHAT THE HELL BECKA
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
Um
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
You got my message on Myspace?
What do you know that i dont already know says:
NO shit
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
I SWEAR TO GOD NATE
I wouldn't lie
We DID NOT do anything sexual, but things were getting intense
What do you know that i dont already know says:
OKill give you one
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
Alright. x__X
I figured you would have an interesting reaction. XDD;;
What do you know that i dont already know says:
...<.o
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
XD Yeeeeah
I was really nervous when I typed that message, but yeah >> I wouldn't do anything sexual unless I was really prepared
What do you know that i dont already know says:
ok... im not happy with you
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
Why? D:
What do you know that i dont already know says:
I wonder
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
Hey, at least I am being honest with you. ~_~
And I'm not doing anything like that yet
And if I was, at least I would want to use protection
I'M BEING RESPONSIBLE! D:
What do you know that i dont already know says:
ANd stupid
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
How am I being stupid?
What do you know that i dont already know says:
I woonder
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
I know that I'm wondering. DX
Would you rather I DIDN'T use any form of protection?
What do you know that i dont already know says:
I would rather you dident have SEX
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
Okay, just because I would have a condom doesn't mean I would go and use it right away.
We probably aren't going to have sex for a loooong while. It's just IN CASE if something like that were to happen.
What do you know that i dont already know says:
ok
Clyde [This is Jezebel in Hell] says:
I can promise you that
At first I was getting pissed off, like.. "Why is he being so weird about this?" but then I guess... he's protective? Maybe he doesn't want my heart to get all smashed up. ~.~ But I can't be too upset that he wasn't happy. I was being honest and trying to be responsible. I can't be upset about THAT.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Jesus.
This relationship is leaving me feeling melty.
This guy I'm with... seriously, this is the guy that I've had in mind for ages. He's nice, funny, opinionated, polite, and we have a lot in common. Yet, not so much were we wouldn't have anything to talk about. We have slightly different beliefs on religion and spirituality, which is fantastic. I love talks about spirituality.
And on a weirder note, I was hoping to find a guy that was more experienced in relationships than I was, yet not so much that he would be pushing for sex on the first date. I mean.. just someone that can sort of show me the ropes. The most I had done was just kissing.
Um. I made out for the first time on the 25th, during Pirates of the Carribean: At Worlds End. Holy shit. I'm still a little shocked from it, and yet it makes me feel fuzzy at the same time. I had to check to make sure I didn't have bite marks on my neck. >.> He didn't bite *that* hard, but Christ, I was paranoid about my parents finding out.
So now I've gone this far, and knowing what is past making out makes me nervous. We agreed on not moving too quickly, but the thing is... I haven't had someone put their hands actually on my leg, above the knee, since I was sexually harassed. Sure, I've had my legs jabbed by fingers or my knees tickled, but the harassment was the first and only time that I had someone put their entire hand on my leg and move it upwards towards my crotch.
At the movies, he moved his index finger up my leg and back down, and I froze. It was just a little thing, like rubbing your thumb against their hand or playing with their hair, and yet when he went to hold my hand after that, I couldn't move my fingers. I just kind of froze. It wasn't the same leg that had been touched by Creepo, but the action of moving up was a reminder. This is why I'm afraid of moving forward in the relationship because I don't know how I'm going to react.
I thought I was over it. I even told my boyfriend that I was, and yet I froze.
God dammit.
I'm going to have to tell him I'm having some conflicted feelings here.
More on the harassment issue, my ex is not going to find out about me making out with him. NEVER. NEEEEVER.
I know that what my ex would say would be hurtful. He's said hurtful things in the past.. the type of stuff that made me flinch, and the type of stuff that made me be very angry at him.
This guy I'm with... seriously, this is the guy that I've had in mind for ages. He's nice, funny, opinionated, polite, and we have a lot in common. Yet, not so much were we wouldn't have anything to talk about. We have slightly different beliefs on religion and spirituality, which is fantastic. I love talks about spirituality.
And on a weirder note, I was hoping to find a guy that was more experienced in relationships than I was, yet not so much that he would be pushing for sex on the first date. I mean.. just someone that can sort of show me the ropes. The most I had done was just kissing.
Um. I made out for the first time on the 25th, during Pirates of the Carribean: At Worlds End. Holy shit. I'm still a little shocked from it, and yet it makes me feel fuzzy at the same time. I had to check to make sure I didn't have bite marks on my neck. >.> He didn't bite *that* hard, but Christ, I was paranoid about my parents finding out.
So now I've gone this far, and knowing what is past making out makes me nervous. We agreed on not moving too quickly, but the thing is... I haven't had someone put their hands actually on my leg, above the knee, since I was sexually harassed. Sure, I've had my legs jabbed by fingers or my knees tickled, but the harassment was the first and only time that I had someone put their entire hand on my leg and move it upwards towards my crotch.
At the movies, he moved his index finger up my leg and back down, and I froze. It was just a little thing, like rubbing your thumb against their hand or playing with their hair, and yet when he went to hold my hand after that, I couldn't move my fingers. I just kind of froze. It wasn't the same leg that had been touched by Creepo, but the action of moving up was a reminder. This is why I'm afraid of moving forward in the relationship because I don't know how I'm going to react.
I thought I was over it. I even told my boyfriend that I was, and yet I froze.
God dammit.
I'm going to have to tell him I'm having some conflicted feelings here.
More on the harassment issue, my ex is not going to find out about me making out with him. NEVER. NEEEEVER.
I know that what my ex would say would be hurtful. He's said hurtful things in the past.. the type of stuff that made me flinch, and the type of stuff that made me be very angry at him.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Oh god.
I fucking still have really complicated, bad feelings about school, I realized. This whim came to me after the horrible nightmare I had last night. It's weird, I had so much fun last night at prom, but then I have this fucked up nightmare resembling the meeting my mother and I had at the end of 8th grade when those heartless motherfuckers wanted to hold me back.
Well in the dream, it started off with my mother saying that she is pulling me out of school becaue I was doing so badly, and I started crying (it's odd, because there are a couple classes I'm not failing, and I tried explaining that to her but she wouldn't hear anything of it) and god.. I could not stop crying. This was my mother, she is supportive and kind, but all of a sudden she is the evil bitch from hell that is forcing me to drop out of school.
So we went into a meeting with all of my teachers and some teachers I don't even have, and I stood up frantically and tried to start explaining to them that I was starting to love school and do better. I turned to my science teacher and she addressed someone else, and all of a sudden I was like... it was like I was invisible. I was practically screaming at them to let me explain while they agreed to have me be pulled out of school.
At the end, I found two long letters from my parents apologizing to me, saying they had to and that they didn't really want this to happen, but I didn't believe it at all.
I woke up.
D:
God, I was crying practically througout the entire dream, desperate to try to find my voice and stand up to these teachers, but I was reduced to NOTHING by them AND my parents.
Well in the dream, it started off with my mother saying that she is pulling me out of school becaue I was doing so badly, and I started crying (it's odd, because there are a couple classes I'm not failing, and I tried explaining that to her but she wouldn't hear anything of it) and god.. I could not stop crying. This was my mother, she is supportive and kind, but all of a sudden she is the evil bitch from hell that is forcing me to drop out of school.
So we went into a meeting with all of my teachers and some teachers I don't even have, and I stood up frantically and tried to start explaining to them that I was starting to love school and do better. I turned to my science teacher and she addressed someone else, and all of a sudden I was like... it was like I was invisible. I was practically screaming at them to let me explain while they agreed to have me be pulled out of school.
At the end, I found two long letters from my parents apologizing to me, saying they had to and that they didn't really want this to happen, but I didn't believe it at all.
I woke up.
D:
God, I was crying practically througout the entire dream, desperate to try to find my voice and stand up to these teachers, but I was reduced to NOTHING by them AND my parents.
Monday, May 14, 2007
The times they are achangin'
Well well well.
Lately it's all been so.... new. And yet not.
Okay, so for a while now, this guy and I had been.. well. XD Flirting. Or, at least I'm sure he was, although at one point on the phone he said that sometimes people think that he's flirting when he's not. Anyway, that doesn't matter now cause we are a coupleeee~
Lawdy, it's been like... a year since I've been in a relationship. I was *afraid* at first cause I've seen how relationships can change people, and I was suddenly terrified of changing, but so far it's okay. I mean, we've only been together for a few days (we kissed for the first time on Saturday), but I do really like him. :3 I just don't know if this relationship is going to change me, or him, or whatever, and if it does, then how? What are we going to do if it gets serious? See, that's another thing I'm kind of scared of... I haven't gotten too far in relationships. Gragh, I've never even had my tongue in someone else's mouth, or vice-versa, and I had that nagging thought of "What would happen if whoever I was dating put their hand on my leg?" but since I'm at a point where I think I'm over that, it should be okay, yet... okay, it's like... what if my partner and I would be making out and he does with his hand and my leg an action in the same manner in which I was sexually harassed? I can stand someone tapping my knee or something, but actually physically putting one's hand on my leg and moving it upwards to my crotch... fuuuckszfslfkjlsdds. I think that might freak me the fuck out.
Although he knows that happened to me. ~.~ I trust he wouldn't violate that boundary unless I really did feel comfortable with that idea.
And that harassment thing has gotten me thinking a lot as well... because of that, I've begun to rethink on how far I've gone with a guy. Touching someone like that is like.. what base is that? Normally couples do that kind of thing when they've been together for a while, but with that guy.. I wasn't even WITH him. It shouldn't count as anything, but it still makes me wonder. It's like... someone gets raped, and it is definately called rape, but when it is stripped down, it is sex. It's just sex being used as a tool to control someone else in a very mentally crippling manner.
Is harassment the same way? If that's the case, then I can say to my boyfriend that I *have* gone far with a guy, but I just didn't consent to it.
God dammit, that fucker is still confusing me, even though it's going to be two years since it happened. -.- At least I'm like... over it.
Or something like that. Whatever.
At least my boyfriend has some good morals. From what we've talked about, he has gone farther than I have (if we throw the harassment aside), but not all the way (he wants to wait until he loves whoever he's with to have sex with them). He doesn't smoke or drink or anything, and thinks that those are turn offs, and we have a lot in common. We get along pretty well and have some fun conversations, so it's really quaint now. :B
Lately it's all been so.... new. And yet not.
Okay, so for a while now, this guy and I had been.. well. XD Flirting. Or, at least I'm sure he was, although at one point on the phone he said that sometimes people think that he's flirting when he's not. Anyway, that doesn't matter now cause we are a coupleeee~
Lawdy, it's been like... a year since I've been in a relationship. I was *afraid* at first cause I've seen how relationships can change people, and I was suddenly terrified of changing, but so far it's okay. I mean, we've only been together for a few days (we kissed for the first time on Saturday), but I do really like him. :3 I just don't know if this relationship is going to change me, or him, or whatever, and if it does, then how? What are we going to do if it gets serious? See, that's another thing I'm kind of scared of... I haven't gotten too far in relationships. Gragh, I've never even had my tongue in someone else's mouth, or vice-versa, and I had that nagging thought of "What would happen if whoever I was dating put their hand on my leg?" but since I'm at a point where I think I'm over that, it should be okay, yet... okay, it's like... what if my partner and I would be making out and he does with his hand and my leg an action in the same manner in which I was sexually harassed? I can stand someone tapping my knee or something, but actually physically putting one's hand on my leg and moving it upwards to my crotch... fuuuckszfslfkjlsdds. I think that might freak me the fuck out.
Although he knows that happened to me. ~.~ I trust he wouldn't violate that boundary unless I really did feel comfortable with that idea.
And that harassment thing has gotten me thinking a lot as well... because of that, I've begun to rethink on how far I've gone with a guy. Touching someone like that is like.. what base is that? Normally couples do that kind of thing when they've been together for a while, but with that guy.. I wasn't even WITH him. It shouldn't count as anything, but it still makes me wonder. It's like... someone gets raped, and it is definately called rape, but when it is stripped down, it is sex. It's just sex being used as a tool to control someone else in a very mentally crippling manner.
Is harassment the same way? If that's the case, then I can say to my boyfriend that I *have* gone far with a guy, but I just didn't consent to it.
God dammit, that fucker is still confusing me, even though it's going to be two years since it happened. -.- At least I'm like... over it.
Or something like that. Whatever.
At least my boyfriend has some good morals. From what we've talked about, he has gone farther than I have (if we throw the harassment aside), but not all the way (he wants to wait until he loves whoever he's with to have sex with them). He doesn't smoke or drink or anything, and thinks that those are turn offs, and we have a lot in common. We get along pretty well and have some fun conversations, so it's really quaint now. :B
Monday, April 30, 2007
Very mixed up emotions
4/30/01 was the worst day of my life, thus this is the 6 year anniversary of it.
My sister died on this day.
And yeah. My friends know the story, and one friend in particular... fuck, he keeps drawing me IN. At one point in time, I thought I had fallen in love with him... I had feelings for him that were very deep and went beyond a crush, and these didn't appear over night. They grew over months and months. And it's like... god, how can I NOT love him? I don't have the same feelings for him anymore as I did months ago, but I do love him on some level. I talk to him about anything and he doesn't judge, and he cares so deeply about those HE loves... he is not a perfect person, and yet the things people would see as imperfect seem to add to him to make him appear more as a whole person.
He's probably the closest friend I've had, and this friendship we have is so... something.
We started talking about this date because he understands it's going to be a tough day, and it's like... gah, here's the conversation.
Pip [Azriel] says:
It's already the last day of April...
Pip [Azriel] says:
heh...
Pip [Azriel] says:
I'm not sure either to say sorry in a sympathetic way or just give you a hug ^^;
Clyde [And at the end of Time you shall fade away into a cloud of dust] says:
I"m not too sure either, actually.
Pip [Azriel] says:
o.O; Of the things not to make sense, that's one of them. *hugs* ^^; It's been 42 minutes into your personal memorial day, if I may call it such.
Clyde [And at the end of Time you shall fade away into a cloud of dust] says:
I'm probably not going to make a lot of sense. XD It feels like I have none at all! -flail-
Eh. This day can be called a lot of things. We just took to calling it "the anniversary"
Pip [Azriel] says:
Ah... well... I want you to have a good anniversary, k? Don't be too somber about it. I highly doubt your sister would like you to be sad, even on a day such as this.
Clyde [And at the end of Time you shall fade away into a cloud of dust] says:
This day has always been somber though, it's just something that can't really be helped
Pip [Azriel] says:
I understand that, but if I call and hear crying... or the sound of a completely depressed person, I'm liable to come up there. And from there on, I'm not sure what I'd do.
That last line just kinda struck me, and made me want to cry all over again. What does he mean?
Men are confusing, and I'm sure you men out there say the same thing about women.
My sister died on this day.
And yeah. My friends know the story, and one friend in particular... fuck, he keeps drawing me IN. At one point in time, I thought I had fallen in love with him... I had feelings for him that were very deep and went beyond a crush, and these didn't appear over night. They grew over months and months. And it's like... god, how can I NOT love him? I don't have the same feelings for him anymore as I did months ago, but I do love him on some level. I talk to him about anything and he doesn't judge, and he cares so deeply about those HE loves... he is not a perfect person, and yet the things people would see as imperfect seem to add to him to make him appear more as a whole person.
He's probably the closest friend I've had, and this friendship we have is so... something.
We started talking about this date because he understands it's going to be a tough day, and it's like... gah, here's the conversation.
Pip [Azriel] says:
It's already the last day of April...
Pip [Azriel] says:
heh...
Pip [Azriel] says:
I'm not sure either to say sorry in a sympathetic way or just give you a hug ^^;
Clyde [And at the end of Time you shall fade away into a cloud of dust] says:
I"m not too sure either, actually.
Pip [Azriel] says:
o.O; Of the things not to make sense, that's one of them. *hugs* ^^; It's been 42 minutes into your personal memorial day, if I may call it such.
Clyde [And at the end of Time you shall fade away into a cloud of dust] says:
I'm probably not going to make a lot of sense. XD It feels like I have none at all! -flail-
Eh. This day can be called a lot of things. We just took to calling it "the anniversary"
Pip [Azriel] says:
Ah... well... I want you to have a good anniversary, k? Don't be too somber about it. I highly doubt your sister would like you to be sad, even on a day such as this.
Clyde [And at the end of Time you shall fade away into a cloud of dust] says:
This day has always been somber though, it's just something that can't really be helped
Pip [Azriel] says:
I understand that, but if I call and hear crying... or the sound of a completely depressed person, I'm liable to come up there. And from there on, I'm not sure what I'd do.
That last line just kinda struck me, and made me want to cry all over again. What does he mean?
Men are confusing, and I'm sure you men out there say the same thing about women.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
The New Salvador
Fuck, I think this is how Salvador Dali felt, in a sense. His brother died soon before Salvador was born, and after being born, Salvador felt like he was a replacement for his brother, and wanted to distance himself from that as much as possible.
When my sister died, I was only 11 whereas she was going to be 18 in two days, and since the anniversary of her death is coming up, I keep thinking about it of course, and how I'm closer to the age in which she died, and it's like.... do I remind my parents too much of my sister at this point in time? Am I finally just her replacement?
I feel that need to distance myself from being her, but to be her opposite would mean being self-destructive... I don't want to ruin myself, but I don't want to be her.
Fuck, I'm going to probably OUTLIVE her seeing how I don't plan on dying anytime soon. She was my older sister, and I'm going to outlive her. This hasn't quite sunk in yet, but it's getting there.
I keep getting an image for a painting in my head... one side of it is my face, and the other side is her. I lack the skill to be able to paint it, but it's there.. someday I probably will.
When my sister died, I was only 11 whereas she was going to be 18 in two days, and since the anniversary of her death is coming up, I keep thinking about it of course, and how I'm closer to the age in which she died, and it's like.... do I remind my parents too much of my sister at this point in time? Am I finally just her replacement?
I feel that need to distance myself from being her, but to be her opposite would mean being self-destructive... I don't want to ruin myself, but I don't want to be her.
Fuck, I'm going to probably OUTLIVE her seeing how I don't plan on dying anytime soon. She was my older sister, and I'm going to outlive her. This hasn't quite sunk in yet, but it's getting there.
I keep getting an image for a painting in my head... one side of it is my face, and the other side is her. I lack the skill to be able to paint it, but it's there.. someday I probably will.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
WOW.
Man.. last night really... XD Honestly, I don't think I'll forget it because it was a nice turning point for me. But first...
Lately one of my friends (I'll call her Jupiter, cause the Tori song "Hey Jupiter" is.. well, it fits her) was trying to figure out if she should stay at our current school, or transfer to a different school next year (most of her ol' friends are over at the other school) and I didn't want her to transfer, but I told her that she should do what she needs to do. Well, the other day, we were out and about in Walk Fit class and talking about the proposal I'm going to give to the principal on doing an awareness thing for sexual harassment/assault (because it really isn't talked about at my school too much, and resources on it isn't really openly THERE for students except for the handbook, but that is rather vague) and talking about plans for next year (cause that is when I'm going to do it) and all of a sudden she goes "AUUUGH! Okay, I'm staying!" and gets out her cellphone to tell her mom. I was in shock and was asking what caused her to make up her mind, and she said "Well, we were talking about next year and I want to be there for that." and I asked her about her other friends, and apparently she has changed a lot to more than they have changed, and how things wouldn't be the same.
I was happy that she had made a decision, and even more so that she'll be at this school next year, but I would feel really bad if she ended up regretting staying here. ._. It wasn't my intention to all of a sudden help her indirectly with her decision.
In other news, last night. Ah... this was an interesting night... I got into a frame of mind where it felt like I was just going apathetic and my passions were shutting down, and I brought this up with a close friend of mine (who happens to be my ex, we dated for about the last three months of 2005) by saying "Have you ever been in a mood where you can just say whatever, and you don't care what others would think, although there *are* some subjects that you would actually care about?" and he replied with "like sex?"
I typed to him "Heh, sex is actually one of the subjects I don't care talking about." Through the apathy, I was starting to feel nervous. What the fuck was I doing? He goes on, asking me what I was thinking about sex, and I said "Well... masturbation, but that's close enough. I just don't like it how some people think it's horrible or whatever." and his reply was "my school paper had an article on masturbation that kind of has the same opinion you have. they say it relieves stress and hormones, and is a safe alternative to actual sex."
This is where i just jumped in, not caring what he would say. "Well... it DOES relieve stress." He joking replies "Personal experience?"
"Actually..."
I don't get why I was so freaked out at the thoughts of my friends finding out that I masturbate. And telling him about it kind of relieved those fears cause he didn't care.. XD he suggested baking a cake (it's based off of this bash.org quote: http://bash.org/?244545 ) and he was all "Ah, you're growing up!" but I told him I've been doing that for a while now, so the whole "growing up" bit was a bit late... nonetheless, he was still gonna buy cake mix. Silly Jesus. (Old nickname spawning from 9th grade, caused he used to look kind of like Jesus... still does, but with a different hair color)
Later on I told him "I was kinda in shock I told you that, yet happy you didn't care" and he said "Oh yeah Bekka, I'm really gonna be a hypocrite and say "EWW! I can't be you're friend anymore because you touch yourself!"... I didn't catch onto the "hypocrite" part until after I finished the sentence and thought to myself "wait, what?", then suggested that we bake the cake together. XD
Okay, so why is all this important? Well, masturbating has been one of my biggest secrets (I was originally going to send it to postsecret.com, but never got around to doing so) and really being assured that it isn't a big deal (I told Jupiter about this and she didn't hardly bat an eye.. I think.. I told her over MSN thus I didn't see her eyes, but her reaction wasn't "OMGWTF" or anything.)just... wow. I didn't shut down sexually or artisitcally, and I climbed out of being apathetic after last night, and it is just a relief.
Lately one of my friends (I'll call her Jupiter, cause the Tori song "Hey Jupiter" is.. well, it fits her) was trying to figure out if she should stay at our current school, or transfer to a different school next year (most of her ol' friends are over at the other school) and I didn't want her to transfer, but I told her that she should do what she needs to do. Well, the other day, we were out and about in Walk Fit class and talking about the proposal I'm going to give to the principal on doing an awareness thing for sexual harassment/assault (because it really isn't talked about at my school too much, and resources on it isn't really openly THERE for students except for the handbook, but that is rather vague) and talking about plans for next year (cause that is when I'm going to do it) and all of a sudden she goes "AUUUGH! Okay, I'm staying!" and gets out her cellphone to tell her mom. I was in shock and was asking what caused her to make up her mind, and she said "Well, we were talking about next year and I want to be there for that." and I asked her about her other friends, and apparently she has changed a lot to more than they have changed, and how things wouldn't be the same.
I was happy that she had made a decision, and even more so that she'll be at this school next year, but I would feel really bad if she ended up regretting staying here. ._. It wasn't my intention to all of a sudden help her indirectly with her decision.
In other news, last night. Ah... this was an interesting night... I got into a frame of mind where it felt like I was just going apathetic and my passions were shutting down, and I brought this up with a close friend of mine (who happens to be my ex, we dated for about the last three months of 2005) by saying "Have you ever been in a mood where you can just say whatever, and you don't care what others would think, although there *are* some subjects that you would actually care about?" and he replied with "like sex?"
I typed to him "Heh, sex is actually one of the subjects I don't care talking about." Through the apathy, I was starting to feel nervous. What the fuck was I doing? He goes on, asking me what I was thinking about sex, and I said "Well... masturbation, but that's close enough. I just don't like it how some people think it's horrible or whatever." and his reply was "my school paper had an article on masturbation that kind of has the same opinion you have. they say it relieves stress and hormones, and is a safe alternative to actual sex."
This is where i just jumped in, not caring what he would say. "Well... it DOES relieve stress." He joking replies "Personal experience?"
"Actually..."
I don't get why I was so freaked out at the thoughts of my friends finding out that I masturbate. And telling him about it kind of relieved those fears cause he didn't care.. XD he suggested baking a cake (it's based off of this bash.org quote: http://bash.org/?244545 ) and he was all "Ah, you're growing up!" but I told him I've been doing that for a while now, so the whole "growing up" bit was a bit late... nonetheless, he was still gonna buy cake mix. Silly Jesus. (Old nickname spawning from 9th grade, caused he used to look kind of like Jesus... still does, but with a different hair color)
Later on I told him "I was kinda in shock I told you that, yet happy you didn't care" and he said "Oh yeah Bekka, I'm really gonna be a hypocrite and say "EWW! I can't be you're friend anymore because you touch yourself!"... I didn't catch onto the "hypocrite" part until after I finished the sentence and thought to myself "wait, what?", then suggested that we bake the cake together. XD
Okay, so why is all this important? Well, masturbating has been one of my biggest secrets (I was originally going to send it to postsecret.com, but never got around to doing so) and really being assured that it isn't a big deal (I told Jupiter about this and she didn't hardly bat an eye.. I think.. I told her over MSN thus I didn't see her eyes, but her reaction wasn't "OMGWTF" or anything.)just... wow. I didn't shut down sexually or artisitcally, and I climbed out of being apathetic after last night, and it is just a relief.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Oh.
I think I just realized why masturbation is a rather uncomfortable subject to talk about with me.
I don't know if this is the EXACT reason, but it makes sense. There was a guy that was asking me these stupid questions (stupid quesitons that got him reported for sexual harassment) and one of them was "Do you masturbate?" and I didn't answer with yes or no. I called him a fucking perv. And I realized while I was making toast that if someone avoids answering a question, that could mean a yes, and I wonder if he thought that.
It's almost like I'm ashamed of my sexuality or something. Oh woo hoo, I get urges to fuck someone sometimes. No big deal, right? Every teenager has raging hormornes.
Well, I'd be freaked out if one of my friends found out more about these feelings and such. It's like... god, it would add fuel to the fire with this one guy (a friend.) who keeps joking around, saying I do sexual stuff, and I get pissed off. He's supposed to be my friend and I have told him several times to shut up, but he just tells me to get a sense of humor.
I gave him a little taste of that medicine though. He said something and I told him sharply to shut the hell up, and he was like "Jeez, you're rather tense. You okay?" and I smiled this thin, cruel smile and looked at him, then said "I was joking around." He just rolled his eyes.
Okay, and here is something to think about. SO WHAT IF I MASTURBATE OR NOT? I think this quesiton a lot, and yet I still get kinda freaked out, like my friends would stop talking to me or something, or they would ridicule me.
I hope the roots for this kind of fear isn't in the harassment, because that would piss me off.
I don't know if this is the EXACT reason, but it makes sense. There was a guy that was asking me these stupid questions (stupid quesitons that got him reported for sexual harassment) and one of them was "Do you masturbate?" and I didn't answer with yes or no. I called him a fucking perv. And I realized while I was making toast that if someone avoids answering a question, that could mean a yes, and I wonder if he thought that.
It's almost like I'm ashamed of my sexuality or something. Oh woo hoo, I get urges to fuck someone sometimes. No big deal, right? Every teenager has raging hormornes.
Well, I'd be freaked out if one of my friends found out more about these feelings and such. It's like... god, it would add fuel to the fire with this one guy (a friend.) who keeps joking around, saying I do sexual stuff, and I get pissed off. He's supposed to be my friend and I have told him several times to shut up, but he just tells me to get a sense of humor.
I gave him a little taste of that medicine though. He said something and I told him sharply to shut the hell up, and he was like "Jeez, you're rather tense. You okay?" and I smiled this thin, cruel smile and looked at him, then said "I was joking around." He just rolled his eyes.
Okay, and here is something to think about. SO WHAT IF I MASTURBATE OR NOT? I think this quesiton a lot, and yet I still get kinda freaked out, like my friends would stop talking to me or something, or they would ridicule me.
I hope the roots for this kind of fear isn't in the harassment, because that would piss me off.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
A test of honesty.
Hello. I am Bekka, but for the sake of old times, call me Mac. It's a name I've had on the internet for a while.
I was gonna suggest that you can call me Mel, but that is a fictional character of mine, and I would rather not be as fucked up as she is (PTSD, sexual aversion, bad anxiety, oh wait... I have that sometimes. Nevermind). -cough- Yeah, a friend started calling me Mel when I roleplayed that particular character with her *once*, and it just stuck, and I answer to it now like it's my real name.
Among names, I've been called many different things referring to my height (people notice when you're 17 and a couple inches under 5 feet), Skruffie (I was a ragamuffin as a child, always playing in the sand box or mud and collecting rocks. My pants would have dirt and grass stains all the damn time, and got holes quickly), Widget (eh, this can go with "height nicknames", I think it is a combo of "wee" and "midget"), Clyde (Referring to Tori Amos's American Doll Posse... I'm rather drawn to Clyde), and probably a menagerie of other names I can't begin to remember right now.
As far as interests go, art has always been and always will be my passion. I guess I was an angry toddler so my mom made me sit down one day and told me to draw what I was feeling. It stuck, and never came unstuck. I evolved from scribbles to people to Neopets to angels to angels+demons back to people, and now it is just an assortment of most of those things, minus the Neopets. The people and such that I draw are mainly fictional characters (Like Mel... fuck, I draw her a lot. She's my most developed character, and her arc is rather parallel to mine, just on a different level. More on this later), although before her was Mac (She originated in my Neopets days when I browsed under the username mac_n_cheese45, and people called me Mac in the forums. I've quit Neopets since then, but not the name and/or the username.)
With drawing, I also enjoy painting after that, and I like to try my hand at abstract. I use mainly acrylic paint, but I had an instant flirtation with watercolor when I first started it... never tried painting in oils.
Writing is rather fun to do as well, but more like a hobby than a passion.
Lastly, playing the keyboard gives me a very powerful, almost spiritual experience. I put my fears and desires into playing when I can't show them in other artistic means... normally it is abstract painting that houses the fears and the passions, but playing the keyboard really opened a new door to me... I think I know what Tori is talking about when she says that playing her piano live is like an orgasm in an artistic sense.
Music wise, I don't have a broad range of interests, but it is slowly expanding. I grew up listening to Tori (she has become one of my biggest influences) as well as Queensryche and Marylin Manson, and through my dad I listened to a bit more classic stuff (The Beatles). Both my parents introduced me to the energy of metal. My dad played bass for years, and I think he is going to start playing again seeing how he bought a bass earlier this month.
I used to hate country music, but it is growing on me slightly thanks to The Wreckers... Michelle Branch pulled me through my middle school years, so I already knew her and her music before she joined up with Jessica.
In my sillier moods (I call 'em my "Abbie" moods, referring to the sides of my personality people don't see, which include brutal honesty. This blog is helping me express that side more though) I love electronica and techno, and I feed off of the fast paced songs to just get my energy going.
Rap... eh. I don't like it too much, but yet I still listen and dance along with it at school dances if they play such stuff.
I love more celtic sounding stuff... it connects to my spiritual side and puts me in a very contemplative and clairvoiant kind of place.
Anyway, I would love to explain that whole paralell thing with Mel and the whole me, but it is a long story and I need to go to bed, so that will be saved for a different blog post.
I was gonna suggest that you can call me Mel, but that is a fictional character of mine, and I would rather not be as fucked up as she is (PTSD, sexual aversion, bad anxiety, oh wait... I have that sometimes. Nevermind). -cough- Yeah, a friend started calling me Mel when I roleplayed that particular character with her *once*, and it just stuck, and I answer to it now like it's my real name.
Among names, I've been called many different things referring to my height (people notice when you're 17 and a couple inches under 5 feet), Skruffie (I was a ragamuffin as a child, always playing in the sand box or mud and collecting rocks. My pants would have dirt and grass stains all the damn time, and got holes quickly), Widget (eh, this can go with "height nicknames", I think it is a combo of "wee" and "midget"), Clyde (Referring to Tori Amos's American Doll Posse... I'm rather drawn to Clyde), and probably a menagerie of other names I can't begin to remember right now.
As far as interests go, art has always been and always will be my passion. I guess I was an angry toddler so my mom made me sit down one day and told me to draw what I was feeling. It stuck, and never came unstuck. I evolved from scribbles to people to Neopets to angels to angels+demons back to people, and now it is just an assortment of most of those things, minus the Neopets. The people and such that I draw are mainly fictional characters (Like Mel... fuck, I draw her a lot. She's my most developed character, and her arc is rather parallel to mine, just on a different level. More on this later), although before her was Mac (She originated in my Neopets days when I browsed under the username mac_n_cheese45, and people called me Mac in the forums. I've quit Neopets since then, but not the name and/or the username.)
With drawing, I also enjoy painting after that, and I like to try my hand at abstract. I use mainly acrylic paint, but I had an instant flirtation with watercolor when I first started it... never tried painting in oils.
Writing is rather fun to do as well, but more like a hobby than a passion.
Lastly, playing the keyboard gives me a very powerful, almost spiritual experience. I put my fears and desires into playing when I can't show them in other artistic means... normally it is abstract painting that houses the fears and the passions, but playing the keyboard really opened a new door to me... I think I know what Tori is talking about when she says that playing her piano live is like an orgasm in an artistic sense.
Music wise, I don't have a broad range of interests, but it is slowly expanding. I grew up listening to Tori (she has become one of my biggest influences) as well as Queensryche and Marylin Manson, and through my dad I listened to a bit more classic stuff (The Beatles). Both my parents introduced me to the energy of metal. My dad played bass for years, and I think he is going to start playing again seeing how he bought a bass earlier this month.
I used to hate country music, but it is growing on me slightly thanks to The Wreckers... Michelle Branch pulled me through my middle school years, so I already knew her and her music before she joined up with Jessica.
In my sillier moods (I call 'em my "Abbie" moods, referring to the sides of my personality people don't see, which include brutal honesty. This blog is helping me express that side more though) I love electronica and techno, and I feed off of the fast paced songs to just get my energy going.
Rap... eh. I don't like it too much, but yet I still listen and dance along with it at school dances if they play such stuff.
I love more celtic sounding stuff... it connects to my spiritual side and puts me in a very contemplative and clairvoiant kind of place.
Anyway, I would love to explain that whole paralell thing with Mel and the whole me, but it is a long story and I need to go to bed, so that will be saved for a different blog post.
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