The New Salvador

Fuck, I think this is how Salvador Dali felt, in a sense. His brother died soon before Salvador was born, and after being born, Salvador felt like he was a replacement for his brother, and wanted to distance himself from that as much as possible.

When my sister died, I was only 11 whereas she was going to be 18 in two days, and since the anniversary of her death is coming up, I keep thinking about it of course, and how I'm closer to the age in which she died, and it's like.... do I remind my parents too much of my sister at this point in time? Am I finally just her replacement?

I feel that need to distance myself from being her, but to be her opposite would mean being self-destructive... I don't want to ruin myself, but I don't want to be her.

Fuck, I'm going to probably OUTLIVE her seeing how I don't plan on dying anytime soon. She was my older sister, and I'm going to outlive her. This hasn't quite sunk in yet, but it's getting there.

I keep getting an image for a painting in my head... one side of it is my face, and the other side is her. I lack the skill to be able to paint it, but it's there.. someday I probably will.