4/30/01 was the worst day of my life, thus this is the 6 year anniversary of it.
My sister died on this day.
And yeah. My friends know the story, and one friend in particular... fuck, he keeps drawing me IN. At one point in time, I thought I had fallen in love with him... I had feelings for him that were very deep and went beyond a crush, and these didn't appear over night. They grew over months and months. And it's like... god, how can I NOT love him? I don't have the same feelings for him anymore as I did months ago, but I do love him on some level. I talk to him about anything and he doesn't judge, and he cares so deeply about those HE loves... he is not a perfect person, and yet the things people would see as imperfect seem to add to him to make him appear more as a whole person.
He's probably the closest friend I've had, and this friendship we have is so... something.
We started talking about this date because he understands it's going to be a tough day, and it's like... gah, here's the conversation.
Pip [Azriel] says:
It's already the last day of April...
Pip [Azriel] says:
heh...
Pip [Azriel] says:
I'm not sure either to say sorry in a sympathetic way or just give you a hug ^^;
Clyde [And at the end of Time you shall fade away into a cloud of dust] says:
I"m not too sure either, actually.
Pip [Azriel] says:
o.O; Of the things not to make sense, that's one of them. *hugs* ^^; It's been 42 minutes into your personal memorial day, if I may call it such.
Clyde [And at the end of Time you shall fade away into a cloud of dust] says:
I'm probably not going to make a lot of sense. XD It feels like I have none at all! -flail-
Eh. This day can be called a lot of things. We just took to calling it "the anniversary"
Pip [Azriel] says:
Ah... well... I want you to have a good anniversary, k? Don't be too somber about it. I highly doubt your sister would like you to be sad, even on a day such as this.
Clyde [And at the end of Time you shall fade away into a cloud of dust] says:
This day has always been somber though, it's just something that can't really be helped
Pip [Azriel] says:
I understand that, but if I call and hear crying... or the sound of a completely depressed person, I'm liable to come up there. And from there on, I'm not sure what I'd do.
That last line just kinda struck me, and made me want to cry all over again. What does he mean?
Men are confusing, and I'm sure you men out there say the same thing about women.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
The New Salvador
Fuck, I think this is how Salvador Dali felt, in a sense. His brother died soon before Salvador was born, and after being born, Salvador felt like he was a replacement for his brother, and wanted to distance himself from that as much as possible.
When my sister died, I was only 11 whereas she was going to be 18 in two days, and since the anniversary of her death is coming up, I keep thinking about it of course, and how I'm closer to the age in which she died, and it's like.... do I remind my parents too much of my sister at this point in time? Am I finally just her replacement?
I feel that need to distance myself from being her, but to be her opposite would mean being self-destructive... I don't want to ruin myself, but I don't want to be her.
Fuck, I'm going to probably OUTLIVE her seeing how I don't plan on dying anytime soon. She was my older sister, and I'm going to outlive her. This hasn't quite sunk in yet, but it's getting there.
I keep getting an image for a painting in my head... one side of it is my face, and the other side is her. I lack the skill to be able to paint it, but it's there.. someday I probably will.
When my sister died, I was only 11 whereas she was going to be 18 in two days, and since the anniversary of her death is coming up, I keep thinking about it of course, and how I'm closer to the age in which she died, and it's like.... do I remind my parents too much of my sister at this point in time? Am I finally just her replacement?
I feel that need to distance myself from being her, but to be her opposite would mean being self-destructive... I don't want to ruin myself, but I don't want to be her.
Fuck, I'm going to probably OUTLIVE her seeing how I don't plan on dying anytime soon. She was my older sister, and I'm going to outlive her. This hasn't quite sunk in yet, but it's getting there.
I keep getting an image for a painting in my head... one side of it is my face, and the other side is her. I lack the skill to be able to paint it, but it's there.. someday I probably will.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
WOW.
Man.. last night really... XD Honestly, I don't think I'll forget it because it was a nice turning point for me. But first...
Lately one of my friends (I'll call her Jupiter, cause the Tori song "Hey Jupiter" is.. well, it fits her) was trying to figure out if she should stay at our current school, or transfer to a different school next year (most of her ol' friends are over at the other school) and I didn't want her to transfer, but I told her that she should do what she needs to do. Well, the other day, we were out and about in Walk Fit class and talking about the proposal I'm going to give to the principal on doing an awareness thing for sexual harassment/assault (because it really isn't talked about at my school too much, and resources on it isn't really openly THERE for students except for the handbook, but that is rather vague) and talking about plans for next year (cause that is when I'm going to do it) and all of a sudden she goes "AUUUGH! Okay, I'm staying!" and gets out her cellphone to tell her mom. I was in shock and was asking what caused her to make up her mind, and she said "Well, we were talking about next year and I want to be there for that." and I asked her about her other friends, and apparently she has changed a lot to more than they have changed, and how things wouldn't be the same.
I was happy that she had made a decision, and even more so that she'll be at this school next year, but I would feel really bad if she ended up regretting staying here. ._. It wasn't my intention to all of a sudden help her indirectly with her decision.
In other news, last night. Ah... this was an interesting night... I got into a frame of mind where it felt like I was just going apathetic and my passions were shutting down, and I brought this up with a close friend of mine (who happens to be my ex, we dated for about the last three months of 2005) by saying "Have you ever been in a mood where you can just say whatever, and you don't care what others would think, although there *are* some subjects that you would actually care about?" and he replied with "like sex?"
I typed to him "Heh, sex is actually one of the subjects I don't care talking about." Through the apathy, I was starting to feel nervous. What the fuck was I doing? He goes on, asking me what I was thinking about sex, and I said "Well... masturbation, but that's close enough. I just don't like it how some people think it's horrible or whatever." and his reply was "my school paper had an article on masturbation that kind of has the same opinion you have. they say it relieves stress and hormones, and is a safe alternative to actual sex."
This is where i just jumped in, not caring what he would say. "Well... it DOES relieve stress." He joking replies "Personal experience?"
"Actually..."
I don't get why I was so freaked out at the thoughts of my friends finding out that I masturbate. And telling him about it kind of relieved those fears cause he didn't care.. XD he suggested baking a cake (it's based off of this bash.org quote: http://bash.org/?244545 ) and he was all "Ah, you're growing up!" but I told him I've been doing that for a while now, so the whole "growing up" bit was a bit late... nonetheless, he was still gonna buy cake mix. Silly Jesus. (Old nickname spawning from 9th grade, caused he used to look kind of like Jesus... still does, but with a different hair color)
Later on I told him "I was kinda in shock I told you that, yet happy you didn't care" and he said "Oh yeah Bekka, I'm really gonna be a hypocrite and say "EWW! I can't be you're friend anymore because you touch yourself!"... I didn't catch onto the "hypocrite" part until after I finished the sentence and thought to myself "wait, what?", then suggested that we bake the cake together. XD
Okay, so why is all this important? Well, masturbating has been one of my biggest secrets (I was originally going to send it to postsecret.com, but never got around to doing so) and really being assured that it isn't a big deal (I told Jupiter about this and she didn't hardly bat an eye.. I think.. I told her over MSN thus I didn't see her eyes, but her reaction wasn't "OMGWTF" or anything.)just... wow. I didn't shut down sexually or artisitcally, and I climbed out of being apathetic after last night, and it is just a relief.
Lately one of my friends (I'll call her Jupiter, cause the Tori song "Hey Jupiter" is.. well, it fits her) was trying to figure out if she should stay at our current school, or transfer to a different school next year (most of her ol' friends are over at the other school) and I didn't want her to transfer, but I told her that she should do what she needs to do. Well, the other day, we were out and about in Walk Fit class and talking about the proposal I'm going to give to the principal on doing an awareness thing for sexual harassment/assault (because it really isn't talked about at my school too much, and resources on it isn't really openly THERE for students except for the handbook, but that is rather vague) and talking about plans for next year (cause that is when I'm going to do it) and all of a sudden she goes "AUUUGH! Okay, I'm staying!" and gets out her cellphone to tell her mom. I was in shock and was asking what caused her to make up her mind, and she said "Well, we were talking about next year and I want to be there for that." and I asked her about her other friends, and apparently she has changed a lot to more than they have changed, and how things wouldn't be the same.
I was happy that she had made a decision, and even more so that she'll be at this school next year, but I would feel really bad if she ended up regretting staying here. ._. It wasn't my intention to all of a sudden help her indirectly with her decision.
In other news, last night. Ah... this was an interesting night... I got into a frame of mind where it felt like I was just going apathetic and my passions were shutting down, and I brought this up with a close friend of mine (who happens to be my ex, we dated for about the last three months of 2005) by saying "Have you ever been in a mood where you can just say whatever, and you don't care what others would think, although there *are* some subjects that you would actually care about?" and he replied with "like sex?"
I typed to him "Heh, sex is actually one of the subjects I don't care talking about." Through the apathy, I was starting to feel nervous. What the fuck was I doing? He goes on, asking me what I was thinking about sex, and I said "Well... masturbation, but that's close enough. I just don't like it how some people think it's horrible or whatever." and his reply was "my school paper had an article on masturbation that kind of has the same opinion you have. they say it relieves stress and hormones, and is a safe alternative to actual sex."
This is where i just jumped in, not caring what he would say. "Well... it DOES relieve stress." He joking replies "Personal experience?"
"Actually..."
I don't get why I was so freaked out at the thoughts of my friends finding out that I masturbate. And telling him about it kind of relieved those fears cause he didn't care.. XD he suggested baking a cake (it's based off of this bash.org quote: http://bash.org/?244545 ) and he was all "Ah, you're growing up!" but I told him I've been doing that for a while now, so the whole "growing up" bit was a bit late... nonetheless, he was still gonna buy cake mix. Silly Jesus. (Old nickname spawning from 9th grade, caused he used to look kind of like Jesus... still does, but with a different hair color)
Later on I told him "I was kinda in shock I told you that, yet happy you didn't care" and he said "Oh yeah Bekka, I'm really gonna be a hypocrite and say "EWW! I can't be you're friend anymore because you touch yourself!"... I didn't catch onto the "hypocrite" part until after I finished the sentence and thought to myself "wait, what?", then suggested that we bake the cake together. XD
Okay, so why is all this important? Well, masturbating has been one of my biggest secrets (I was originally going to send it to postsecret.com, but never got around to doing so) and really being assured that it isn't a big deal (I told Jupiter about this and she didn't hardly bat an eye.. I think.. I told her over MSN thus I didn't see her eyes, but her reaction wasn't "OMGWTF" or anything.)just... wow. I didn't shut down sexually or artisitcally, and I climbed out of being apathetic after last night, and it is just a relief.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Oh.
I think I just realized why masturbation is a rather uncomfortable subject to talk about with me.
I don't know if this is the EXACT reason, but it makes sense. There was a guy that was asking me these stupid questions (stupid quesitons that got him reported for sexual harassment) and one of them was "Do you masturbate?" and I didn't answer with yes or no. I called him a fucking perv. And I realized while I was making toast that if someone avoids answering a question, that could mean a yes, and I wonder if he thought that.
It's almost like I'm ashamed of my sexuality or something. Oh woo hoo, I get urges to fuck someone sometimes. No big deal, right? Every teenager has raging hormornes.
Well, I'd be freaked out if one of my friends found out more about these feelings and such. It's like... god, it would add fuel to the fire with this one guy (a friend.) who keeps joking around, saying I do sexual stuff, and I get pissed off. He's supposed to be my friend and I have told him several times to shut up, but he just tells me to get a sense of humor.
I gave him a little taste of that medicine though. He said something and I told him sharply to shut the hell up, and he was like "Jeez, you're rather tense. You okay?" and I smiled this thin, cruel smile and looked at him, then said "I was joking around." He just rolled his eyes.
Okay, and here is something to think about. SO WHAT IF I MASTURBATE OR NOT? I think this quesiton a lot, and yet I still get kinda freaked out, like my friends would stop talking to me or something, or they would ridicule me.
I hope the roots for this kind of fear isn't in the harassment, because that would piss me off.
I don't know if this is the EXACT reason, but it makes sense. There was a guy that was asking me these stupid questions (stupid quesitons that got him reported for sexual harassment) and one of them was "Do you masturbate?" and I didn't answer with yes or no. I called him a fucking perv. And I realized while I was making toast that if someone avoids answering a question, that could mean a yes, and I wonder if he thought that.
It's almost like I'm ashamed of my sexuality or something. Oh woo hoo, I get urges to fuck someone sometimes. No big deal, right? Every teenager has raging hormornes.
Well, I'd be freaked out if one of my friends found out more about these feelings and such. It's like... god, it would add fuel to the fire with this one guy (a friend.) who keeps joking around, saying I do sexual stuff, and I get pissed off. He's supposed to be my friend and I have told him several times to shut up, but he just tells me to get a sense of humor.
I gave him a little taste of that medicine though. He said something and I told him sharply to shut the hell up, and he was like "Jeez, you're rather tense. You okay?" and I smiled this thin, cruel smile and looked at him, then said "I was joking around." He just rolled his eyes.
Okay, and here is something to think about. SO WHAT IF I MASTURBATE OR NOT? I think this quesiton a lot, and yet I still get kinda freaked out, like my friends would stop talking to me or something, or they would ridicule me.
I hope the roots for this kind of fear isn't in the harassment, because that would piss me off.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
A test of honesty.
Hello. I am Bekka, but for the sake of old times, call me Mac. It's a name I've had on the internet for a while.
I was gonna suggest that you can call me Mel, but that is a fictional character of mine, and I would rather not be as fucked up as she is (PTSD, sexual aversion, bad anxiety, oh wait... I have that sometimes. Nevermind). -cough- Yeah, a friend started calling me Mel when I roleplayed that particular character with her *once*, and it just stuck, and I answer to it now like it's my real name.
Among names, I've been called many different things referring to my height (people notice when you're 17 and a couple inches under 5 feet), Skruffie (I was a ragamuffin as a child, always playing in the sand box or mud and collecting rocks. My pants would have dirt and grass stains all the damn time, and got holes quickly), Widget (eh, this can go with "height nicknames", I think it is a combo of "wee" and "midget"), Clyde (Referring to Tori Amos's American Doll Posse... I'm rather drawn to Clyde), and probably a menagerie of other names I can't begin to remember right now.
As far as interests go, art has always been and always will be my passion. I guess I was an angry toddler so my mom made me sit down one day and told me to draw what I was feeling. It stuck, and never came unstuck. I evolved from scribbles to people to Neopets to angels to angels+demons back to people, and now it is just an assortment of most of those things, minus the Neopets. The people and such that I draw are mainly fictional characters (Like Mel... fuck, I draw her a lot. She's my most developed character, and her arc is rather parallel to mine, just on a different level. More on this later), although before her was Mac (She originated in my Neopets days when I browsed under the username mac_n_cheese45, and people called me Mac in the forums. I've quit Neopets since then, but not the name and/or the username.)
With drawing, I also enjoy painting after that, and I like to try my hand at abstract. I use mainly acrylic paint, but I had an instant flirtation with watercolor when I first started it... never tried painting in oils.
Writing is rather fun to do as well, but more like a hobby than a passion.
Lastly, playing the keyboard gives me a very powerful, almost spiritual experience. I put my fears and desires into playing when I can't show them in other artistic means... normally it is abstract painting that houses the fears and the passions, but playing the keyboard really opened a new door to me... I think I know what Tori is talking about when she says that playing her piano live is like an orgasm in an artistic sense.
Music wise, I don't have a broad range of interests, but it is slowly expanding. I grew up listening to Tori (she has become one of my biggest influences) as well as Queensryche and Marylin Manson, and through my dad I listened to a bit more classic stuff (The Beatles). Both my parents introduced me to the energy of metal. My dad played bass for years, and I think he is going to start playing again seeing how he bought a bass earlier this month.
I used to hate country music, but it is growing on me slightly thanks to The Wreckers... Michelle Branch pulled me through my middle school years, so I already knew her and her music before she joined up with Jessica.
In my sillier moods (I call 'em my "Abbie" moods, referring to the sides of my personality people don't see, which include brutal honesty. This blog is helping me express that side more though) I love electronica and techno, and I feed off of the fast paced songs to just get my energy going.
Rap... eh. I don't like it too much, but yet I still listen and dance along with it at school dances if they play such stuff.
I love more celtic sounding stuff... it connects to my spiritual side and puts me in a very contemplative and clairvoiant kind of place.
Anyway, I would love to explain that whole paralell thing with Mel and the whole me, but it is a long story and I need to go to bed, so that will be saved for a different blog post.
I was gonna suggest that you can call me Mel, but that is a fictional character of mine, and I would rather not be as fucked up as she is (PTSD, sexual aversion, bad anxiety, oh wait... I have that sometimes. Nevermind). -cough- Yeah, a friend started calling me Mel when I roleplayed that particular character with her *once*, and it just stuck, and I answer to it now like it's my real name.
Among names, I've been called many different things referring to my height (people notice when you're 17 and a couple inches under 5 feet), Skruffie (I was a ragamuffin as a child, always playing in the sand box or mud and collecting rocks. My pants would have dirt and grass stains all the damn time, and got holes quickly), Widget (eh, this can go with "height nicknames", I think it is a combo of "wee" and "midget"), Clyde (Referring to Tori Amos's American Doll Posse... I'm rather drawn to Clyde), and probably a menagerie of other names I can't begin to remember right now.
As far as interests go, art has always been and always will be my passion. I guess I was an angry toddler so my mom made me sit down one day and told me to draw what I was feeling. It stuck, and never came unstuck. I evolved from scribbles to people to Neopets to angels to angels+demons back to people, and now it is just an assortment of most of those things, minus the Neopets. The people and such that I draw are mainly fictional characters (Like Mel... fuck, I draw her a lot. She's my most developed character, and her arc is rather parallel to mine, just on a different level. More on this later), although before her was Mac (She originated in my Neopets days when I browsed under the username mac_n_cheese45, and people called me Mac in the forums. I've quit Neopets since then, but not the name and/or the username.)
With drawing, I also enjoy painting after that, and I like to try my hand at abstract. I use mainly acrylic paint, but I had an instant flirtation with watercolor when I first started it... never tried painting in oils.
Writing is rather fun to do as well, but more like a hobby than a passion.
Lastly, playing the keyboard gives me a very powerful, almost spiritual experience. I put my fears and desires into playing when I can't show them in other artistic means... normally it is abstract painting that houses the fears and the passions, but playing the keyboard really opened a new door to me... I think I know what Tori is talking about when she says that playing her piano live is like an orgasm in an artistic sense.
Music wise, I don't have a broad range of interests, but it is slowly expanding. I grew up listening to Tori (she has become one of my biggest influences) as well as Queensryche and Marylin Manson, and through my dad I listened to a bit more classic stuff (The Beatles). Both my parents introduced me to the energy of metal. My dad played bass for years, and I think he is going to start playing again seeing how he bought a bass earlier this month.
I used to hate country music, but it is growing on me slightly thanks to The Wreckers... Michelle Branch pulled me through my middle school years, so I already knew her and her music before she joined up with Jessica.
In my sillier moods (I call 'em my "Abbie" moods, referring to the sides of my personality people don't see, which include brutal honesty. This blog is helping me express that side more though) I love electronica and techno, and I feed off of the fast paced songs to just get my energy going.
Rap... eh. I don't like it too much, but yet I still listen and dance along with it at school dances if they play such stuff.
I love more celtic sounding stuff... it connects to my spiritual side and puts me in a very contemplative and clairvoiant kind of place.
Anyway, I would love to explain that whole paralell thing with Mel and the whole me, but it is a long story and I need to go to bed, so that will be saved for a different blog post.
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