Jesus.

This relationship is leaving me feeling melty.

This guy I'm with... seriously, this is the guy that I've had in mind for ages. He's nice, funny, opinionated, polite, and we have a lot in common. Yet, not so much were we wouldn't have anything to talk about. We have slightly different beliefs on religion and spirituality, which is fantastic. I love talks about spirituality.

And on a weirder note, I was hoping to find a guy that was more experienced in relationships than I was, yet not so much that he would be pushing for sex on the first date. I mean.. just someone that can sort of show me the ropes. The most I had done was just kissing.

Um. I made out for the first time on the 25th, during Pirates of the Carribean: At Worlds End. Holy shit. I'm still a little shocked from it, and yet it makes me feel fuzzy at the same time. I had to check to make sure I didn't have bite marks on my neck. >.> He didn't bite *that* hard, but Christ, I was paranoid about my parents finding out.

So now I've gone this far, and knowing what is past making out makes me nervous. We agreed on not moving too quickly, but the thing is... I haven't had someone put their hands actually on my leg, above the knee, since I was sexually harassed. Sure, I've had my legs jabbed by fingers or my knees tickled, but the harassment was the first and only time that I had someone put their entire hand on my leg and move it upwards towards my crotch.

At the movies, he moved his index finger up my leg and back down, and I froze. It was just a little thing, like rubbing your thumb against their hand or playing with their hair, and yet when he went to hold my hand after that, I couldn't move my fingers. I just kind of froze. It wasn't the same leg that had been touched by Creepo, but the action of moving up was a reminder. This is why I'm afraid of moving forward in the relationship because I don't know how I'm going to react.

I thought I was over it. I even told my boyfriend that I was, and yet I froze.

God dammit.

I'm going to have to tell him I'm having some conflicted feelings here.

More on the harassment issue, my ex is not going to find out about me making out with him. NEVER. NEEEEVER.

I know that what my ex would say would be hurtful. He's said hurtful things in the past.. the type of stuff that made me flinch, and the type of stuff that made me be very angry at him.

Oh god.

I fucking still have really complicated, bad feelings about school, I realized. This whim came to me after the horrible nightmare I had last night. It's weird, I had so much fun last night at prom, but then I have this fucked up nightmare resembling the meeting my mother and I had at the end of 8th grade when those heartless motherfuckers wanted to hold me back.

Well in the dream, it started off with my mother saying that she is pulling me out of school becaue I was doing so badly, and I started crying (it's odd, because there are a couple classes I'm not failing, and I tried explaining that to her but she wouldn't hear anything of it) and god.. I could not stop crying. This was my mother, she is supportive and kind, but all of a sudden she is the evil bitch from hell that is forcing me to drop out of school.
So we went into a meeting with all of my teachers and some teachers I don't even have, and I stood up frantically and tried to start explaining to them that I was starting to love school and do better. I turned to my science teacher and she addressed someone else, and all of a sudden I was like... it was like I was invisible. I was practically screaming at them to let me explain while they agreed to have me be pulled out of school.

At the end, I found two long letters from my parents apologizing to me, saying they had to and that they didn't really want this to happen, but I didn't believe it at all.

I woke up.

D:

God, I was crying practically througout the entire dream, desperate to try to find my voice and stand up to these teachers, but I was reduced to NOTHING by them AND my parents.

The times they are achangin'

Well well well.

Lately it's all been so.... new. And yet not.

Okay, so for a while now, this guy and I had been.. well. XD Flirting. Or, at least I'm sure he was, although at one point on the phone he said that sometimes people think that he's flirting when he's not. Anyway, that doesn't matter now cause we are a coupleeee~

Lawdy, it's been like... a year since I've been in a relationship. I was *afraid* at first cause I've seen how relationships can change people, and I was suddenly terrified of changing, but so far it's okay. I mean, we've only been together for a few days (we kissed for the first time on Saturday), but I do really like him. :3 I just don't know if this relationship is going to change me, or him, or whatever, and if it does, then how? What are we going to do if it gets serious? See, that's another thing I'm kind of scared of... I haven't gotten too far in relationships. Gragh, I've never even had my tongue in someone else's mouth, or vice-versa, and I had that nagging thought of "What would happen if whoever I was dating put their hand on my leg?" but since I'm at a point where I think I'm over that, it should be okay, yet... okay, it's like... what if my partner and I would be making out and he does with his hand and my leg an action in the same manner in which I was sexually harassed? I can stand someone tapping my knee or something, but actually physically putting one's hand on my leg and moving it upwards to my crotch... fuuuckszfslfkjlsdds. I think that might freak me the fuck out.
Although he knows that happened to me. ~.~ I trust he wouldn't violate that boundary unless I really did feel comfortable with that idea.

And that harassment thing has gotten me thinking a lot as well... because of that, I've begun to rethink on how far I've gone with a guy. Touching someone like that is like.. what base is that? Normally couples do that kind of thing when they've been together for a while, but with that guy.. I wasn't even WITH him. It shouldn't count as anything, but it still makes me wonder. It's like... someone gets raped, and it is definately called rape, but when it is stripped down, it is sex. It's just sex being used as a tool to control someone else in a very mentally crippling manner.
Is harassment the same way? If that's the case, then I can say to my boyfriend that I *have* gone far with a guy, but I just didn't consent to it.

God dammit, that fucker is still confusing me, even though it's going to be two years since it happened. -.- At least I'm like... over it.

Or something like that. Whatever.

At least my boyfriend has some good morals. From what we've talked about, he has gone farther than I have (if we throw the harassment aside), but not all the way (he wants to wait until he loves whoever he's with to have sex with them). He doesn't smoke or drink or anything, and thinks that those are turn offs, and we have a lot in common. We get along pretty well and have some fun conversations, so it's really quaint now. :B